Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
