Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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