I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.