I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You pole danced in your parka.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow