An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force