Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
