filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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