I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I think we might need a safe word for this...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
