she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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