I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
