Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
