Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
