The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
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I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
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Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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