Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.