My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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