Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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