also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
