you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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