Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
you made out with another girl for some wings
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
