I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice