Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS