I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.