Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
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You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
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I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest