I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Randomize
