today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
