what day is it and did you see me today?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
