I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER