You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
