How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
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Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
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Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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