my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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