Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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