There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
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The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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