I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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