I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
