NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
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I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize