Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
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Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
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and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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