Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
