that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
