Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
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He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
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Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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