i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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