I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls