Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
