You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
