i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
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