and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
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Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
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You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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