My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
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i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
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If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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