I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
