Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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