and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
