he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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