If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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