just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
