Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
