Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
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