tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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